In a crummy kind of mood.....

I haven't been feeling quite like myself lately. I feel like I have no energy at all, like I'm worthless. I try my best to do what I can for my husband, dad, brother and my step-daughter, but I feel like what I already do isn't enough for anyone. I have accomplished so much in the past 2 years and I'm thankful for that, but with bills, cleaning, laundry (ugh laundry), preparing meals, projects that have to be completed in the house (kitchen remodel is still underway again), mudding mowers that need to be built for the summer, my husband's truck we're working on, and trying to get to my weight loss goal of 160lbs - I have 40 to go....and I've hit a wall :( I think with all of the stress I have had for the past couple months is putting a toll on my body and I really don't like hospitals or doctors offices. I'm just scared that I'll find something horrible out and people would judge me because I have something else wrong with me. I was already diagnosed with anxiety, depression and type 2 diabetes....what will be next?!?!

I really don't want to talk about this next part, only for the fact that some people might be upset with me for talking about these people...Or they might actually read this. But it's my life, and blogging/writing about my feelings makes me feel so much better and takes so much off of my shoulders. So here I go.....

After my mom passed away, That was the last time I had seen or heard from her sister in Maine, her cousins, aunts, uncles and parents. I did however reconcile with my "grandmother" but not my "grandfather". ( I'll explain why I put that in quotations later on.) Thanksgiving night (9 months after my mom had passed) I gained the courage to call my "grandmother" since they had not contacted me or talked to me to see how they were and if I was welcome to come out for a vist. She accepted, and I did, a few days later. She didn't even seem happy/excited to see her own grand daughter at all. It was like I was a stranger. That was the very last time that I had seen my "grandmother". It's now 5 months later, quickly approaching my 29th birthday and this will be the 2nd birthday I haven't got to spend with my mom and the 2nd birthday that my mom's side of the family hasn't called, sent a card, ect. I know, it sounds weird, but my mom and I had a very special bond, and it brings me to tears that my "grandparents" pretty much abandoned my brother, dad and I after my mom passed away. If my mom was still alive, this wouldn't have happened.

I wrote my "grandparents" a 7 page letter explaining to them that I can't be the only one calling, writing, ect. The phone works both ways and so does snail mail, that this would be my last letter and communication to them since they have no interest in our lives and how we are doing, I don't think the letter was "harsh" and neither did my husband, but I sent it, and it actually made me feel good knowing that I spoke my mind and needed to get all of this stuff that was weighing me down off of my chest.

Now, the reason I put "grandparents", "grandmother" and "grandfather" in quotation marks is due to the fact that I really don't consider them my "grandparents" anymore. I know, some of you might be a little argumentative about that statement, but if you were in my shoes and knew what happened from the time my mom got rushed to the hospital to the day she passed away, you would probably feel the same. But I'm not posting all of that on here, because that is "family business" and I just wanted to post my feelings and my business on here for me to vent AND I already vented about family business in the letter I sent to them.

I hope my "grandparents" and other members of my mom's side have read that letter and actually have the decency to contact me via snail mail, phone, email ect. I didn't mean to hurt anyone's feelings by that letter, I just wanted to address some concerns I had that pretty much tore me to pieces. If not, life goes on, and so will I. But Until next time.... thank you for taking the time to read my blog and about my feelings. My next blog will be on my weight loss journey and the people that have helped me get to where I am now :)  Hope you all have a great weekend!